Sometimes

Sometimes I have really hard nights.
Nights when I remember.
Nights when I'm ashamed.
Nights when I recall my humiliation.
Nights when I feel unloved.
Nights when I shake and heave and sob.

Then I turn roll over to the other side of the bed.

He holds me when I remember.
He forgives me when I'm ashamed.
He reassures me when I recall my humiliation.
He loves me when I feel unloved.
He pulls me tighter as my shakes get more violent
     and my sobs more silent.

A thought crosses my mind.
     I instinctively push it away.
The thought reappears.
     I thrash at it! Yell that it's lying!
It's persistent. It forces itself upon me.
     I resign and accept that

True love has found me. It will not leave me. It will not falter. For the first time in my life I have something permanent and transcendental.

I realize I am the luckiest
and anxiously await the dawn.

Thoughts on Love and God

There's this one Noah and the Whale song that has really resonated with me lately. The lyrics go something like this:


Oh, there is no endless devotion,
That is free from the force of erosion.
Oh, and if you don't believe in God,
How can you believe in love?
When we're all just matter that will one day scatter,
When peaceful the world lays us down...

But, oh, we were blown out of the water.
Oh, and we walk on the feet we have grown.
And we were given a heart, of which love was a part.
Oh, and we cornered the thing from which all life will spring.
And it gave value to the world
that surrounds us.

Since hearing this song, the phrase "If you don't believe in God, how can you believe in love?" is constantly bouncing around in my mind. It's a true statement. Not to get all existential here, but seriously, if we're all only matter and there is nothing more to life, what's the point in living? What's the point in loving? Why do flowers smell pretty? Why are sunsets so lovely? It's all because God made it that way for us. Our Heavenly Father loves us. There is evidence of his work all around us. Everything we have, all that we have been blessed with, is because of love. Love is the center of all things.